one and done

It's rare I get a full surf session these days but i do get some random quickies that just make everything worth it.

(photo: @holalenita)

In general, my schedule is fairly consistent as a body worker - i have the absolute privilege to have consistent massage clients from my friends' surf retreat, and i choose how many i would like to do a day; and with baby weighing in at 9.5 months of cuteness (and almost that much in kilos, too) i prefer to keep it a 2-a-day medium: i will do 3 massages if necessary and i will definitely just take on one, especially because that means i can sneak in a quick surf somewhere in town if there's swell.

Today there's a little bit of swell and i just had one massage with a woman who was on retreat with her family and was also a body worker, so we had a great time chatting and i was able to go a little longer with her because their schedule wasn't super tight; also the ocean was a bit sicky all morning so i was ok to wait for conditions to improve.

When i was leaving the retreat house the sky was dark and stormy and i just didn't think the waves would be worth it, but while driving i took a last minute detour to a favorite protected little spot.

A couple friends were rocking up from the water, boards in hand as i was getting my mid-length out of the car. They said it was fun, and i didn't even see a set but just hauled butt out there as the dark clouds above began their dribbling.

I usually try to catch at least 3 cracking waves before scrambling back to baby, but today i say to the friends just "one and done" .

I think one thing that i'm noticing as apart my behavioral patterning since forever has been my nervous guilt for doing things i want to do- happens so often for me while i'm paddling out, when i feel this overwhelming feeling of that i am doing something wrong, that i am wrong for essentially creating time for myself.

To clarify: these days, yes, its me creating time for my self; my time management prior to this chapter in my life was definitely more about squeezing everything in, and a lot of times i was squeezing people out, switching out on friends and family and overcommitting myself- like i have this dilemma of thinking i have more time than there actually is in day...

But one thing that my sister told me that really changed me for good: she said she read an article about someone who was like me: saying they're going to do something and then they don't do it, someone with no follow through, and that they realized that the quickest way to activate and connect to your third eye is to do what you say you are going to do.

Integrity.

And i loved that so much because its so simple and alls i needed to do was say no i'm sorry i cant do such and such thing and move on with my life.

Sounds so silly but this fully changed me forever!

Well so while i'm paddling out i am listening to my self talk "ya kook, i'm kookin' it, i'm blowing it." bla bla bla some crappy broken record referring to myself negatively in general for no real reason other than my guilt stricken habitual demeanor, and so i decided to change the tune to "i'm scoring, i'm ripping at life, score score score! i'm in the ocean!" just to switch up the neuro-pathways to my liking- if i'm going to do the things i want to anyways, why feel guilty about it??

So i'm frothing pretty hard and i'm trying to be polite and not paddle around and under everybody, but i basically do anyways and paddle into a dinky insider that i botched right after dropping in, this is apart of my anxiety and not containing myself properly.

Then i saw a set on the horizon and paddled up to the top - being mindful of the couple guys ahead of me, first guy got the first wave, second guy got the second, and i got the third and it was really a sweet, chest-high, probably10-turn wave all the way to the cars. First wave i caught all the way to the cars at that spot in a while, and i am stoking!

As i belly ride and then begin walking almost on the sand i'm about to head back up to the point to catch another one and i am just beaming from that wave and then i think to myself " just go home, you said one and done, its too perfect that you are at the cars"

And so i did,

I rinsed off with my jug of water and got Little Bear in the car (also privileged i get to bring her with me to work and play) and then, just as we started to cruise, the sky opened up dumping a rainy season load on us, and i was glad to be headed home, for her sake and mine.

Baby was still sleeping with the neighbor so, still stoking, i took a hot shower (new development in the amenities of the house) and just felt like i was about to get so much stuff done on this beautiful rainy day with all the time that i have!

Then, of course, 2 minutes later baby is awake - and we pick up where we left off- giggly gooey cutey, about to be walking, bundle of wonderment and newness-