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  • sunshineabbyss

the universe gave me a Leidi

I don't have a man, i have a lady. Her name is Leidi. She's my neighbor, mother of 3, and she helps me with life. She watches baby when i work, teaching me about babies and "los secretos" that she confides in me. She sends her 4 year old daughter over with pinto or arroz con pollo. She has basically adopted us and is an absolute goddess sent. She is baby's unofficial grandma, but even her grand kids call her mami.

I've known her since i've been coming to this small southern costa rican town 18 years ago. Little did either of us know that we would ever be spending this much time together.

Without her and her family i would not be able to do what i am doing right now, being single foreign mom in a rural beach town.

However, I do anticipate the day when i actually do have a partner! i have been single for far too long.

I have had a bunch of romantic relationships but nothing that has stuck, nothing has felt worth it.

And of course that worth has nothing to do with anybody else other than me.

I hadn't felt worth it.

Like ever.

I didn't realize until this past year that as apart of my family dynamic i have had a level of emotional abuse that created this intense block between myself and my happiness within relationships. I never allowed my self to be loved. I didn't love myself enough to give a damn.

Until I did give a damn.

About 10 years ago i realized how rotten my thoughts were and i spent time investigating my mind, my heart, my soul, and they were dirty and ill.

And so began the road to learning myself and loving myself and understanding what it is that i truly value through a continual practice of learning, relearning and unlearning many things.

I had to look at how i people please and how i had put myself in really uncomfortable situations.

And as this practice of self love and self worth grows so do the new breakthroughs and revelations, constantly keeping me on my toes with my healing process.

In the past things were definitely not ok with me; I was playing with fire and treating myself like dry tinder .

I found myself very lost and abusing myself, and letting others abuse me too.

Then there was a point i came to when i realized exactly where I was headed if i didn't shape up and value myself. I thought about how my parents provided for me and protected me. i thought about all the delicious food i have ever eaten in my lifetime. I thought about the clean water that i have been so blessed to drink and bathe in. I thought about all the ancestors that came before me that were thinking about the future, and the potential that they realized about their actions and what lay ahead for their descendants- what would my ancestors think I would look, act, be like? i thought about the family that i wanted to have some day and i realized that it would be an absolute tragedy to waste all of that.

I decided i didn't want to be a tragedy,

and that whatever pain and suffering i was feeling in my heart that i was now acknowledging this and am now fully responsible for.

No body and no thing has "done" anything to me. I am in this moment and there is no body to blame. There are only people to thank.

When i got pregnant last year i knew that i was going to have the baby. I decided that with or without a partner that i'm fully in and that i had been preparing for this time methodically since i headed towards the path of fulfillment, putting my armor down and opening up to the vulnerability of the unknown.

Since July 2017 i stepped into my awakened senses. I had been intuitively drawn to working towards a way of life that i could support myself if i had to. I wanted to be somewhere i could grow food, have clean water and prepare for the family and homesteading dream that was formulating in my mind.

April that year, 2017, i had followed my nose to learn lomi lomi, hawaiian massage,

i thought i could have it in my back pocket for when i wanted to give to family or friends, not anticipating that i would be switching careers in a few years time.

May 2017 I had exactly enough money to buy property in my home away from home, in southern costa rica. It wasn't my dream lot but it was something, and i could afford it. A bold step for someone like me and it was only just the beginning.

July i had a full spiritual awakening that began this amazing road to rediscovering what it means to be alive in this earth realm. i say it lightly here in this context but it was a deep physiological, mental and spiritual upgrade that changed my life for good. I connected to the unseen forces and couldn't deny the fact that this was a gift even though that meant my whole world as a knew it would be crumbling around me.

I started to realize that I can create my own reality and that i can be the change that i wanted to see in the world. i felt anxious, yet calm enough to participate in the magic that was unfolding around me.

It didn't look magical as i died many times, releasing old patterns within myself and detaching from the identities that i was carrying.

it was ugly, really ugly. But i began to trust.

Healing is a lonely road, as the revelations flood in, the old friendships and way of relating to people, places, and things change and flow away.

There is no way to prepare for that, i just hung on to my britches and tumbled through the motions.

I began my slow career switch and migration out of my old stomping grounds as an archaeologist in the western states.

In 2018 i started building a house on my property.

By January 2020 i was ready to move down, working as a surf instructor in my friends surf retreat company (Surf With Amigas).

When covid hit everything again made sense. This was why my higher self was propelling the pull to change my life circumstances. As the entire world stood still, i was able to creek forward towards a new horizon for myself.

As tourism halted temporarily in Costa Rica i began practicing my lomi lomi, giving massages to friends and by the time the retreat work picked back up again i was realizing that i would absolutely rather be giving massages to people than working as a surf instructor.

That same week that i realized that, the massage therapist that worked for the retreats had quit and thus i began doing the massages for the retreats.

Things were starting to fall into place.

My house wasn't perfect but i had a house. My ideas and dreams were coming into focus and the things that i wanted were slowly manifesting right before my eyes.

I was listening to the unseen. Leaning into the guidance that is just beyond the veil.

i moved to Maui in 2022 to deepen my practice of traditional Hawaiian healing in an year long apprenticeship. And there I got pregnant just in time to move back to Costa Rica and begin all over again, knowing that i will be able to take care of myself and provide for my baby.

Baby daddy and i were on different stages of our healing journeys, and i have finally come to a place where i can stay in my power and rise. I whole heartedly was ready for this new life to begin as a single mama. Everything was already set up for us!

I have learned to trust the guidance that is all around us all the time...

When i was 19 my paternal grandma was terminally ill with a rare cancer that she had been fighting for 10 years. Before she transitioned, my sister made a heartfelt compilation of photos of her life that we would share at her sending off party. The song she chose for the soundtrack was Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's version of 'Somewhere over the Rainbow'. This song has since been a emblem of my grandmother's presence whenever i hear it.

Now a few days ago, here in Costa Rica, I'm living with my trusty dog Little Bear, my beautiful sunshine son 'A'alamanu, my house that i own is rented giving me passive income to rent on the other side of town, across the street from my pseudo home break/ favorite wave this side of town, next door to Leidi who has been my lifeline as a single mom:

The morning was so beautiful, it felt like the calm after the storm even though storm was just beginning to brew back home: Family drama is raging on the mainland and the core of the very same emotionally damaging elephant in the room is on the brink of serious transformation.

I was sitting in my anxiety after drinking coffee and having revelations about medicine, the earth, the power of connectivity and family, seen and unseen.

I had a couple hours that morning before i had some massages scheduled, and the waves were looking tasty so i walked baby over to Leidi's and went for a surf.

In the water i sing and pray, this is my outlet of all emotions. The ocean is my church, and in church that day i asked the universe, thinking of my family and the hardships that are being endured here, there, and everywhere: "without telling me everything is ok, tell me that everything is ok," i.e., that i am rightly aligned, that all is in order for the highest outcome, the deepest healing, the most divine transformations...

Waves were really fun and i was out for a while so when i decided to go in I caught a beautiful left that stood up perfectly, and with 3 big satisfying backside hacks and belly ride into shore i felt refreshed and energized, a welcomed session that is so needed as i don't get in the water as often as i used to since living on mommy time. There were a few uncle guy tourists on the beach throwing shakas for my wave as i jogged by, and then also standing there was Leidi with 'A'alamanu, unusually waiting for me. He hadn't taken his nap yet, surprisingly because i thought he was about to go down when i left for my surf session. So she hands him off and i rush back, salty, with baby in one arm, board in the other; we have a rinse in the outdoor shower and i breastfeed him until he gets sleepy and lays down to nap.

Just then in lieu of the habitual reggaeton, merengue, or cumbia, that the neighbors blast anywhere from the hours of 7am to 7pm daily, the most non random song comes on for the first time that i have ever heard the neighbors play : the familiar ukulele strumming, "Somewhere over the rainbow" cover by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole.

I smile to myself, to this moment, in deep gratitude.

Everything is ok.

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